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Cutest. Thing. EVER.

Jebus. 13 messages in email inbox. That can only mean Facebook notifications. *Checks* Ah, indeed. I knew no one loved me that much! Or wanted my penis enhanced that badly.

So Fox cancelled Dollhouse. Of course they did. I mean, God forbid they send something interesting and out of the mold for longer than a season or a half. They have promised to start sending the 9 episodes left of Season 2 back-to-back come December, but they declined buying more of them. Sons of bitches, honestly. Whedon, honey, give up on them already. Try another network. Please.

Also, I have once again forgotten all about NaNoWriMo. Every year I go "Oh yeah! I -have- to remember that next year" and the following year I stumble into someone who's writing for it sometime in November and go "*Facepalm* Okay, -next- year..."

Could you guys suggest series for me to watch? I would rather not it be anime though if you have something you really think I should see, I'll make a note of it. Just not in a very anime-esque state of mind nowadays.

P.S I don't much like CSI or NCIS. Mostly because I feel there's extremely little variation in the episodes and I tend to get bored quickly.


Edit: Random addition...



I -love- this man. No, not David. :P

So yeah, TOTALLY addicted to Dollhouse now. It starts out 'meh', but it sure does pick up! 

 

Does anyone have some tips on what I can make for cheap but tasty dinners? I'm trying to put down a menu for a week or fortnight and running low on ideas. Throw 'em at me! 

Holy crap what a horrible horrible day. Jesus. I can only hope the evening won't be as bad. Of course, it doesn't help that I finally got my period today, two weeks late, hormones assaulting me like an army of little soliders with tiny swords that sting and prickle rather than actually hurt but it's enough to severly irritate and cause a fairly foul state of mind.

Anyway, have a song I like.

Vienna Teng "Nothing Without You"



It's the quiet night that breaks me.
I cannot stand the sight of this familiar place.
It's the quiet night that breaks me, like a dozen papercuts that only I can trace.
All my books are lying useless now.
All my maps will only show me how to lose my way.

Oh call my name.
You know my name.
And in that sound, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.

It's the crowded room that breaks me:
Everybody looks so luminous, and strangely young.
It's the crowded room that's never heard.
No one here can say a word of my native tongue.
I can't be among them anymore.
I fold myself away before it burns me numb.

Oh call my name.
You know my name.
And in your love, everything will change.
Tell me it won't always be this hard.
I am nothing without you, but I don't know who you are.

I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love Firefly. I really want to start watching Doll House. I think Joss Whedon is a genius. But Angel just never clicked with me. Neither did Buffy back when I was supposedly the right age for the target audience, so I figured I'd give Angel another go since I only recently discovered Buffy rules. Through cheesy one-liners and far-fetched combat, but it still rules.

I think I know why Angel never clicked with me. I don't like the character Angel, so it only makes sense I wouldn't like a show all about him. He's a whiny supposed-to-be-badass vampire who hates what he is. Kind of like Anne Rice's Louis, but with zero charisma. And I -really- can't stand the fact that Angel is supposed to be very handsome. And they cast David Boreanz? I... no. Just no. So I can't really take the character seriously (with the constant references to the tall, dark and handsome bit) when I, frankly, find him very unattractive. The whining not improving matters. Was the character of Angel really that popular? If yes... WHY? Usually when he was in danger and Buffy was freaking out to save him, I would just shrug and want it all over with. He's a boring character.

Why didn't they kill him off and have a TV show with Spike instead? Even after he got his soul back he was more interesting. Also slightly whiny, but still interesting!

I have the same problem with Vampire Bill from True Blood. I've read the first book, Dead Until Dark, and I'm not overly inspired to read the rest. One word: Elvis.













     

 

I just watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine again for the first time since it was in theaters. Which would be... since May, I think. Still love it. And not only because I have a gigantic girl-boner for Sabertooth and Wolverine (no, not like that. They're brothers. Not even -I- am that disturbed. What? Stop looking at me like that!).

It's also because of the girl-boner I have for Gambit.

...

What?

Honestly. What is wrong with me?

I want to be held, cared for and nurtured. I envy people who have that in their lives. And when someone offers me comfort, I shove them away. I don't know how to accept it, it seems. When people try to help me, I tell them not to. That I don't need or deserve it. If they try to set me straight, I get angry.

When I cry, I want someone to be there and hold me and tell me it's okay. Not that things will be okay. But that it's okay for me to cry and feel the way I do. When I hurt I want someone to stand up and hold a shield in front of me to deflect the pain. 

But what good is wanting these things when I can't accept any of these gifts? When all I'm good at is being vicious and cold and dismissive.

I know why I want to die.

I want to die because I want to be away. I want to be at peace.

You know, I'd ask for help, but heh. Chances are? I won't know how to accept it anyway.

What did I do today? 

Well, I slept in way longer than I planned, but that's alright. I played some WoW, worked on my Exalted character which STILL isn't finished, but oh well.

Then I went to Ås to finally pick up that used bike I've been wanting. 200 NOK isn't that bad, even though it's over 10 years old. The tires are new, though.

Spent some time at a cafe with a friend in Ås. Was alright.

Then I went home, had dinner, procrastinated the Exalted character some more, and played WoW until way too late.

Oh, and did I mention tumbling gracelessly down several escalator steps, thudding down on my bum after viciously twisting my ankle, and even now barely being able to walk on it? 

I didn't? 

Sigh. Well, I did.. Maybe a trip to the hospital tomorrow, then. Goodies.

I just thought I'd post this here since it's very simple, very good advice. And the blog as a whole really is very good.


Eleven Tips for Beginning Writers


Also, completely unrelated, I want to go to Paris. In fact, I could afford to go to Paris, if I slept on a bench instead of a Hotel.

I checked the blog of one of my favorite authors and noticed that he was announcing working on the next book. My heart aflutter, I kept reading. Until I noticed it can be expected, at the earliest... in a year and a half.

The crushing disappointment subsided as I realized the latest book has only been out for three months. My fault for plowing over all his releases in just a few weeks, really. Or I could blame him for writing books that are too damn good.

In addition, it made me feel a bit better about my own writing. If it takes this guy a year to finish a novel... Well. There is hope, my friends!

Now: sleep.

It struck me suddenly that it must occasionally be frustrating to roleplay with a writer.

Whether it's pen & paper or if it's online, I have the tendency to get caught up in details. I feel the compulsion to describe everything. To really set the scene. Where other roleplayers are content to emote/describe some and otherwise be more action-oriented, I tend to... slow things down, pick at the little things, envision them, describe them in loving detail. I often have to add something, to evoke a particular reaction or feeling with the... "reader". In this case whatever poor bastard is stuck roleplaying with me.

Sometimes I pause and wonder if this is information... details... interesting only to me, because this all comes alive in my mind, and the more detail I see, the more vibrant I have to make the roleplay. Probably, a lot of the times, it is interesting only to me.

I get carried away.

So as far as updates go, I sure suck. Though yanno... Well the name-change of the LJ should sum it up.

This summer has been slight torture. I have mostly lived under my mom's roof, as I was unable to get a job in time and no means to feed myself after money ran out. So from July 1st, I've been here with her and my stepdad. It's hardly an ideal situation. I can't stand my stepdad at the best of times, and I enjoy being alone. For the most part it's gone fine. I know most things about their relationship, I know mom is not happy. I've seen her crying more times than I approve of, and it's difficult having to comfort her when the solution (to me) seems so very simple. Of course, emotions are never easy. Finally it seemed to dissolve, mom reaching the end of her patience. She threw him out last Friday, they made up two days ago but agreed they shouldn't live together. They spent the night together Tuesday, today he came here for dinner and whatnot.

My shoulder has been killing me for the past.. week, perhaps longer. Likely some sort of infection in the muscle or something. Was looking up doctors online and discussing it with mom when suddenly he gets up, says he's going to bed. It was just before 9pm. Mom asks why. He smirks and says he can't put up with it. Meaning me. It takes a lot to make me raise my voice at someone these days, but...

It has been an unpleasant evening. I feel as though I stepped over the line now that it's all done with, but I won't be treated like that, not now, not so close to the edge.

I still don't have a job. I didn't get into any classes this semester. I got a letter that I won't be getting financial support from the govnerment for it either, even -if- I had been accepted. I haven't accumulated enough credits over a certain amount of time according to their rules. Until I catch up, I won't get any money.

My laptop is broken. I have absolutely no clue what happened. The graphic drivers have been giving me a headache for a while, until suddenly one day, this.. peculiar, white melty... thing... started floating across the screen. Could've been a screen-saver design with white floofyness on black, if it wasn't so obviously, you know... something broken.

"So what seems to be the problem?" asks the man in the store I bought it from after I told him I want to send it in for repair.
I shrug. "You tell me," I say as I switch it on. He stares at it for a moment, squints.
"Well... That's new."

It has been shipped back to HP for them to fix it. Until then I'm pretty much "stuck" here at mom's. Sure, I could go back to my 11sqm room in a city where I don't know anyone and sit there with no computer, no TV, no job, no school, no friends....

But now I need to go do something else. My shoulder hurts so bad I want to scream. And this nausea needs to stop.. Three days already. Ugh.

Life sure has a way of kicking you in the nuts when you're down. Even when you don't have any.

I feel as though I'm withering away. Wilting. It's very disconcerting.

I'm not where I was 6 or 7 months ago. Back then I remember going to class and spending each minute of the walk, each minute not consumed by taking notes and pretending to care, planning how to kill myself and working up the nerve to do it. Mere chance kept me from doing it when I had firmly decided that today was the day. Luckily, I suppose, those chances did appear and distract.

I don't want to die. I just can't find an actual purpose for existing. Each night I go to bed feeling dejected. Each morning (or afternoon, as it usually is) I wake up feeling lost.

My smiles feel mechanical, and rare ones at that. I sat and listened to my mother laughing with my stepdad and some friends of theirs outside the other night and I was wondering to myself when the last time was that I gave myself to uninhibited mirth and gaiety. I honestly don't remember.

Only I can change the pattern I'm currently in and I realize that. I just don't see any feasible way to do it. My friends are busy, both on- and offline. I don't know how to reach out to new people. Since I'm not in school and not working at the moment, where am I supposed to encounter people I'd actually want to spend time with? Perhaps I'm too choosy. Likely I have too high standards for both friendships and lovers.

When friends do ask if I want to do something with them, I don't have money. I don't have a dime to my name at the moment, unpaid phone bills, unpaid rent, unpaid internet, unpaid down payments... A friend wants to meet me at the end of the week. I can barely afford the train, let alone DOING anything. I can't sit down and have a cup of coffee, ffs. Another wants me to come to a party this weekend. I can't afford going there or drinking anything. And being the only sober person at a party is very boring and very lonely.

Eh.

Guess I just needed to rant and I thought it would help. 

It didn't.

It was a beautiful memorial service yesterday. Heart-wrenching and appropriate.

So many thoughts and feelings. So few words.

He's gone. Michael Jackson died today. And I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. One minute I want to cry, the next scream, the next again I don't even believe he's really gone... I can't believe it. My head hurts, but it's like all of me hurts. My gut churns, my heart bleeds. I wasn't prepared I'd react this strongly anymore.

I loved him.  I admired him so thoroughly. I've been loyal by his side for over 20 years. 20 years.. is a long time. I know I'm not unique in this and I'm no more special than the rest of his devoted fans, but.. He was.. and is.. special to me. My current relationship to music and song I owe in large part to him and his influence, his talent, his genious. Michael inspired me to be myself even when no one accepted it. He inspired me to care and feel for the world in a way I might not have otherwise. I...

I don't even know what to say. This pain is so real. I didn't expect that. Though.. what's there to expect when your idol suddenly falls over dead. Someone who doesn't know you exist, but whom you feel you know as well as your best friend. Someone who's been there as a constant influence while lovers and friends have come and gone. It's surreal. And I know I likely shouldn't feel this way. But just as I can't tell myself "It's just a cat" when I see one suffering or dying and move on, I can't say "He's just a performer" and ignore it. It's more profound. I care. I care. He was real to me. And now he's gone.

Even as I'm typing this.. I just found myself thinking that maybe it's an elaborate hoax. I don't think I'd mind being made a fool of, just knowing he was still there. Likely few will understand why I'm taking this so hard. I don't really care if you do or not, as long as you can refrain from chastising me about it. I'm leaving comments open, but I beg you.. Please don't come here to spread your filth. I don't want to hear it. I'm mourning, please try to respect that, as well as his memory. He's gone. Maybe now they'll finally leave him alone...

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Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Brain, let's face it. We're failing this exam.

I feel like this movie has gotten a lot of undeserved criticism from the majority of my acquaintences. So rather than getting into a discussion with each and every one of them, I might as well make a blog post about it.

( No spoilers, I think, but still...  )

Before I ramble further and talk in circles, I'll just end with saying that Wolverine is a really entertaining action/sci-fi adventure and it's well worth offering it a glance. It isn't the X-Men Bible, but it is, as said, entertaining.

So anyway.

On a completely different note, since when is it so damn easy to level in WoW? I picked the game up again after almost 2 years of keeping it on the shelf. Bought Burning Crusade, the other expansion will have to wait. The IG timer says I've played for about 3 days. And I'm level 35! Hell, I'm halfway to 36! And it's not like play all the time, though over Easter I have played extensively. I still find time to play other games, watch TV, actually go outside.

It didn't used to go this fast! Instead of having to struggle to work my way up to each instance, I actually have to be cautious and try not to speed ahead of them! At my level there are several instances I can go for, and the quests I have for Gnomer are already gray or green (though I've completed some of them.. not all though) and then theres RFK and RFD, and SM and SFK and ARGH! No time! When did this happen!? There's Uldaman right around the corner too.

And don't get me started on the economy. I'm pushing 300g (granted, I have a sugardaddy who makes money faster than I and buys me things..), and I already have a mount! I remember having to be sponsored by a level 60 friend to get a mount last I played. And didn't you get it at level 40 then? 

Anyway, this new WoW experience is both enjoyable and... well, odd. I suppose such changes aren't quite as blunt to those who have played it consequently as these alterations have gradually taken place, but to come back after so long.. well, it's been blunt!

Bed now. Or soon. Soon..

I never before believed it was possible to never get over someone. That, when you exited a relationship, you would be able to see the bad for what it was and accept that it wasn't meant to be, and move on. I never expected that, after two years, I would still think of him; if not daily then at least several times a week. I don't sit down and deliberately think of him. There are certain things I associate with his memory, and thus...

I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...

I can't seem to shake it the way I would want, and I can't seem to open my heart to anyone or anything else. I wonder why that is, particularly when considering that things were far from ideal when we were together. He hurt me more than anyone else has ever done, but he rarely did it intentionally. Even so, the hurt was no less severe to me. I feel like I can never love again, and they tell me that's normal, but after two years?

I haven't spoken to him in... I don't even remember how long. Over two months. And it hurts that he doesnt' care. I thought I was more important than that. Few things can make you feel more insignificant than being overlooked by those whose affection you require most. I think he perhaps still thinks I'm "too intense". Maybe I am.

And it's not like I'm getting much positive feedback in other areas of life either. Therapy and anti-depressants helped, truly, for a while, but last week something snapped and I don't know where I stand anymore now. It feels very similar to Square One.

Ah well. I actually feel ashamed for writing all this.

I had a dream my life would be
So different form this hell I'm living
so different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

That's enough emoing for this month :P